Moments for Fathers

All of the sudden, my infant is a child. Now What?

2009-06-05T21:13:00.001-04:00

Often I get asked about my next book. After all, the first book was about newborns and being a new father of something that eats, sleeps, and lets of some unbelievable smells. Then it crawls and then walks – but at some point it begins to think and then the moment of truth comes – it begins to copy us. I use the word ‘it’ to this point because I have heard fathers talk about how they are ‘not really baby people’. Let me call these ‘It Dads’, because realistically this person that has come into your life remains largely an enigma for you, because it does not do anything. But, when he/she starts to copy you, show a personality, and an ability to engage you – then watch out.

In my experience, this is when parenting shifts gears because someone is watching. Up to this point your time has been changed and you have experienced sleep deprivation and mental frustration way beyond what any book or person could have prepared you for – but you could still say and do whatever you wanted because ‘the baby’ was not paying attention. A friend told me a story one time of how Dad was reminded of this fact.

As they were approaching potty training time, one day mom noticed their daughter making her way into the bathroom as a sign that she needed to go. Of course mom verbally supported her by saying the words that the child had learned to be associated with that feeling of discomfort “Do you have to go potty?”, followed by the positive affirmation of “Good girl, go to the potty.”. The excitement for mom grew as the little legs took her young daughter around the corner and into the bathroom. Her books had told her about this moment and after 2+ years of diapers she dreamed of the ‘time’ coming. This was the moment her daughter proves she is brilliant! She gleefully watched as her daughter lifted the toilet seat, pulled down her diapers, put both of her hands in front of her, and then proceeded to pee right down her legs and onto her diaper and the carpet. The first reaction? Dad had to be summoned! The ensuing conversation – full of a whole lot of laughter from Dad, and eventually Mom – reminded him that he has to start shutting the bathroom door! For better or for worse Dad – they are watching you and starting to copy you.

My favorite author is Vince Flynn, writes novels about modern day espionage. In one of his most recent books I was reminded of the transition from infant to child when one of his characters inadvertently swears in front of his child. Of course, the young child with limited vocabulary begins to repeat the word over and over again with such clarity that you begin to think your child is a genious. The character is saved by the fact that his wife comes home and, through a set of somewhat believable circumstances, utters the same profanity. This starts the child to again repeat the word over and over again, to which dad simply remains mute about his indiscretion and lets mom feel the guilt. If I ever meet Vince Flynn I need to ask him the question “Is this particular incident is autobiographical?”

So it is time to write book number two, and in the upcoming months I am going to use this blog to explore some of the chapters that come to mind in this next stage of parenting.

Hey DAD – WE can weather this storm

2009-02-02T22:17:00.000-05:00

When our first child was six months old I was sitting at work one day when the phone rang. It was my wife, Jenny, and from the first moment I heard her voice I could tell she was in pain. In fact, she had been out on the front porch moving a plant and had thrown her back out. She had managed to get into the house and to the phone, but she couldn’t move, and she was lying there watching our little man rolling on the floor in front of her.
Of course, I quickly drove home to help. Finally, a situation in which I was called on to do something she couldn’t do. I kind of saw myself as Rambo, the guy who always faced incredible odds on the movie screen, but battled his way to victory! After a (relatively) quick trip to the emergency room and a stop by the pharmacy for some medicine, I was read to take on baby, house, and anything else that had to be done. Like Rambo, I was going to conquer whatever the world and our baby threw at me. I steeled myself for the battle; I had been training my entire life for this moment.
The first twenty-four hours were a blur – meals, cleaning, constantly attending to baby, bringing him to Jenny to feed . . . . it seemed like one thing after another until the day was gone. After two days of me on high alert and leading the patrol, my sister-in-law came over and offered to do the laundry and some cleaning so I could rest. I respectfully declined her offer of help. After all, I had everything under control and was ready for more. John Rambo had nothing on me!
Within a few hours of her leaving I was sitting in front of my injured wife, broken down into tears, telling her that I was overwhelmed and I had nothing left. I can honestly say that after four children this was the one and only time that I had a reason to be more tired and stressed than she was!

I experienced that incident in 1997 when I was a new father and it felt like I was facing some incredible challenges while caring for this one child. I loved my new role as a dad, but it was not always easy.

That was then . . . This is now . . .

Open the paper today and what are the headlines you read?
Mounting Job Losses Fueling Foreclosures
Recession Fears Hit Wall Street
Unemployment Rate Highest Since 1994

These were all headlines I collected recently. The only good news I read was the experts were only expecting these conditions to last through late 2009 or early 2010. And that was the GOOD NEWS! It is pretty clear that as Americans our world has officially been rocked and most are experiencing some sort of loss – job, retirement money, home, income, medical insurance, etc. Probably the only good news for most people is that they don’t live where I live – Michigan. By all accounts we are experiencing one of the toughest economic periods our world has seen in a long time, if not ever.

So what should we do?

Other than thinking ‘just survive’, I was not sure until I read another bit of news that was overshadowed by the noise of a melting economy. In a recently published study (USA Today / US News and World Report), psychologist James Paulson found 10% of new fathers showed signs of moderate to severe depression. It went on to say that there are measurable impacts of this depression on the development of children. Children of depressed fathers get significantly less interactions such as reading, telling stories, and songs. The result – at two years, children of depressed fathers had a smaller vocabulary. My thought? I have heard from many fatherhood experts that how I act impacts my children, now there is more solid proof.

So what should we do?

My first thought - why wait for the next study to tell us what we already know – the stress of being a new father is real. It is real and it is likely worse today because of all the other things that I mentioned above. I don’t have a PhD, but I am going to go out on a limb and say that, as a father, I think we all have more reasons to be depressed today than we did four years ago. If we do nothing more than just ‘hold on’, it is very likely the depression percentage for new fathers will go up.

My advice – increase your investments. I don’t mean in your retirement account or your bank account. Increase your investments in the relationships around you. Why? Well, there is a lot of research available stating friendship is important. Tom Rath of the Gallup Organization makes several points in his book, Vital Friends. He found that only 30% of us report having a best friend at work. But if we are lucky to be part of that 30%, we are seven times more likely to be engaged in our job. He says that “People with at least three close friends at work were 96% more likely to be extremely satisfied with their life”. In his book Bowling Alone, Robert Putnam came to the conclusion that if you are a smoker and a loner then your life expectancy will be increased more if you find some friends than if you stop smoking. In the end, it is this support network that helps us break out of those ‘funks’ we find ourselves in and guides us back to the important things in our lives. A support network empathizes with our struggles, reminds us that suffering never lasts forever, and offers timely encouragement. Do we really need any more studies?

So when you open the paper today you probably will not see any headlines like “Dad’s Unite in This Crisis” or “National BFF Day for Dad’s Declared by Congress”. (fyi . . BFF is a well known texting acronym for Best Friends Forever) Mostly you are going to see headlines about things that feel largely out of your control. What can you control? How about how often you take the time to stop, talk, and listen to friends. How about taking ten minutes to tuck your kids into bed and read them a story or talk about their day? How about whether you eat lunch alone at your desk or at a table with someone from your office? In a year or two or three, things will get better. In the meantime we all need to have a few dinner parties (or potlucks), share a family meal, go to lunch with a friend, have a game night . . . and connect with friends. Don’t be Rambo . . . .

Hey Dads - lets get ahead of the game

2008-11-16T21:57:00.003-05:00

Has anyone been paying attention to the economy? That is kind of a stupid question because it seems that we are all spending lots of time think about retirement funds, mortgages, food, our jobs, bills, etc, etc. I have to admit that I have been extremely preoccupied with what is happening, why it is happening, what is being done to fix it, and how we will weather the storm. I was at a party last week talking to a friend and I asked him the question "What do you think about what is happening in the economy". His answer surprised me . . "I have made an effort not to read about it and not to worry about it, so I don't have much to say." It made me think - maybe I am thinking too much about the wrong things.

Shortly after this conversation I was reading an article in USA Today that stated 10% of dads of 9 month olds had symptoms of clinical depression - which compares to a 5% measure for men the same age. The article goes on to connect the impact of a fathers depression on the development of his children. It got me thinking, with all of the new financial stress on new fathers, it is safe to say that likely that number has probably gone up. So, do we wait around for the next study to confirm what we already know?

Let's not wait. First of all, if you are a new father please realize that it is a tough time to be a father and if the stress is hitting you do something about it. For most of us, connecting with our spouse, friends, and whatever else we can do to put our worries in perspective is key. If you are in a position where your support network is not there look for some help through your health care plan, your church, your community organizations - just don't wait for the next study to confirm what we already know. A stressed out father has a negative impact on their children.

If you are a friend of a father, do some simple things to reach out to them. If you are uncertain how to start the conversation I wrote my book to be a bridge for you. on my website (www.momentsforfathers.com) I have included a copy of my entire book under the Excerpt menu item. Download the .pdf file and email to your friend or just print it out somewhere.

Studies are thought provoking, but why wait for the next one to confirm what we already know. Hey Dads - we will get through this - but we have to do it together.

Parenting and sports

2008-10-13T20:54:00.003-04:00

Soccer season ended today with our team party. Once you have parented for a while I you have to try coaching a sport. As I watched the 9 five year olds run around our yard it made me smile - because they basically smile all the time. Win or lose, it really never mattered, they just played. But I don't want to totally misrepresent the experience, there were some tough points.

I remember the first practice when it was like a well oiled machine. I talked, they jumped, parents helped - it was amazing. I thought - wow, after four kids I am REALLY good! Then came practice three - and just about everything that went right went wrong. They cried, they did not listen, they were openly defiante to my authority. It was as if a union steward had organized them on the playground with the explicit orders to stick it to the man so that he did not think he had the upper hand. At some point during my debrief at home my wife looked me in the eye and said, "Remember Scott, they are only five."

The one thing that bothers me about sports in general today is that kids don't seem to play them for fun - and parents spend more time telling them what to do rather than just cheering them on. I learned a long time ago to focus my instruction in practice and to do my best not to overwhelm them with dialogue during the game. After all, they are "only five". So when you are at the game just sit back and listen every now and then - and my guess is that you will hear a few things that make you think twice about what kind of encouragement you offer.

Let me finish by saying that I have my moments too. As the kids get older it is easier to slip into a little old school coaching - barking and riding them more than normal. But make sure you let them know you love em along the way - then they will still follow you.

How many ways are there to be a great parent

2008-09-21T21:36:00.003-04:00

I had some time in church today to walk around and I happened upon a display with lots of great information about parenting. You know the displays - trifolds containing information about like "10 Ways to be a Great Parent" or "Stress and Parenting" or "Ten Tips on How to Talk to Your Child". I was in one of those moods to think and learn, so I grabbed several of the trifolds and walked over to a table to go through them. So here I am, an author of a book on parenting, reading through these list going "Yep, that is a good one" . . . "Boy, I needed that advice at 9am this morning" . . . "How could I forget that one". There were even a couple of times that I looked at an item and realized I had said the exact same thing in my book.

Two things hit me from those moments of reading. The first being that I need as much advice as the next dad. I think about being a dad often, but it is one of those things that gets more challenging, not less. Surprised? Well, don't be. Weekly for sure, but probably daily, I realize that maybe I could have handled some situation better.

The second realization - I could read these lists every day and probably end up doing nothing differently. For me, they help expose my flaws or ignorance, but they don't stick to my bones. What I need to do - - is to bring them to my next lunch with a friend and ask him to spend 10 minutes talking about them to see what thoughts we have - and then ask ourselves the question "So what I am going to do different tomorrow?" And then check in on each other to make sure we are working at it. Kind of simple - but my conviction that we need friends more than lists is pretty strong. Now if we can have a friend and a list - - then things can really start moving. :)

One thing to leave you with - in the next week ask a few people you work with "What is the best piece of advice they ever received about parenting, and what made it so great?" I will take a good conversation over a good list any day.

Family Vacation

2008-09-07T09:07:00.004-04:00

Much has been written about the 'Family Vacation'. Early on in my life I can remember seeing National Lampoons movie, Vacation, starring Chevy Chase. I laughed at the many crazy things they did, mostly as an observer of how crazy these parents acted during their drama filled trip. Then the got to Wally World - and everything turned out okay.

Last weekend I found myself at my own 'Wally World', except in my home state it is called Michigan's Adventure. It is a combination waterpark/amusement park so their is something for everyone. One of the things that struck me early in the day was the fact that I was relaxed and having fun. Surprised? Well, let me share some of the details - the temp was 90+, the waterpark was so crowded the wave pools were like bumper cars with people as the cars, there was no real place to sit down, and the lines in the waterpark were 15 - 25 minutes long in most cases. There was very little shade and one wave pool actually closed for cleaning in the middle of the day. Not sure why - but I had the Caddy Shack Baby Ruth scene in my head and it made it hard to go back in. I was hot and thirsty for most of the day. So does that sound fun too you?

But it was fun. And it was fun mainly because I watched my kids having fun and realized that if I could look at the day through their eyes - it would be a good day. Now I am not saying that I have always been this wise. Although I have always seen the value of the family vacation as a father - when the kids were younger it would often take me 2-3 days to get into the rhthym of the vacation and actually enjoy it. It was always stressful to see sleeping/eating schedules disrupted, be away from the baby safe house, and not have the refuges to escape the commotion.

We are our own worst enemies on these vacations. I learned long ago to value the relationships/memories that are created by these jaunts - and then the pain that often accompanies the process becomes a lot smaller. Seeing the excitement of grandparents holding their grandchildren, watching cousins become friends, watching aunts/uncles become familiar, and seeing children experience wonder are things that are all there - we just need to look for them a little more.

My advice - watch the movie with your life to give you something to laugh at while you live your own movie - but when your eyes are not seeing the value try looking through the eyes of someone else.

The little things - splitting wood?

2008-08-12T22:27:00.002-04:00

Yesterday at work someone shared this story with me . . . .

Last weekend was an annual event at her house. She cooked as eight fathers and eight sons converged on her house to saw logs and split wood. For a whole day, they processed the large logs that have been stacking up over the last year as her husband scavanged from neighbors and friends. She fed them multiple times as the men and high school age urban dwellers experienced for a day a chore that their great grandparents probably had as children. The irony of the whole thing - - she shared with me that they really don't need the wood. The end up giving most of their share away.

So, you are probably wondering "Why do it?"

Well, it seems her husband travels a lot, and at some point he carved out this day to sweat along side his son, teach him a little bit about hard work, and make a few friends/memories along the way. He is creating his own 'Moment' as a father with his son. It turns out this year the son asked his mother "Why are we cutting this wood? We don't even need it." Her only comment to me was "He doesn't get it. But someday he will."

Another data point for me that it is all about the little things we do, and the traditions we create. I just got back from a weekly basketball night that a friend and I created to help the kids learn about how to have a pickup basketball game. Our goal was to get them to a point where they don't need us - they just call each other and go play. Well, that has not quite happened - we still have to drive it a little bit. And we end up running a few games because there are not enough kids. Do I need to run? Probably not. My body does not enjoy it as much as my spirit does - but it is great to just laugh and play . . . which as adults we sometimes forget to do that.

Remember Dad, it is just about the simple things. And we all can do simple.

What us Dads Could Learn from Randy Pausch

2008-07-29T22:59:00.002-04:00

On July 25th Randy Pausch - the man who lit up Youtube with his Last Lecture presentation - died. I did not hear about it until I opened my email on Monday and read a note from a friend.

If you have not watched the Last Lecture Dad - you should. It is 1 hr plus - and although that seems like a long time to sit in a room and listen/watch a video, you will be moved. I guess my only question for you after it will be "Moved to do what?"

Here is my take - as I think about getting the news that he received I cannot even fathom what he was feeling. I am certain there are people out there who can identify with what he felt - but not me, and I am guessing not most of you. But his video brought me back to the simple things I can do every day / week / year, to pass on the things I value to my children. If my 'Last Lecture' works out - in 20 or 30 years my kids and my wife will be around me and the things I have poured into them one drop at a time - will shine through in who they are and the relationship that we have. Sound simple? Maybe not - - but it is not that hard.

Here is an example of one of those 'thingss' I have found myself doing every year with my daughters for the last 5 years. A couple of friends of mine started a Daddy/Daughter camping trip 8 or so years ago. Simple concept - Dads take daughters camping for a Friday and Saturday night - the meals are simple, the accomodations rustic(tents), and the activities are whatever the outdoors provides us. I was invited and at the time I brought my 6 and 3 year old and we want camping and canoeing - and what started as a simple trip has become an event that they talk about for 12 months out of the year. Don't get me wrong - the format has not changed at all, and this year it was more rustic than ever. We camped in the woods, one mile from a road, on a world class trout stream, and a port o potty that some kind gentleman dropped off for a payment of $70. We ate meat and chips, did not bath, and did not have electrical anything.

I owe a lot to the two guys that started this event. Through it my daughters have begun to share my love for fishing, learned the art of kayaking, breathed the kind of air that reminds us why we don't vacation in cities, and hopefully felt my love for them because I would not miss this for anything. Small price - - big reward.

It is always sad to see a father leave a family behind. And although some might be transformed by Randy's story, which is great! Many will probably feel like me and just be kind of overwhelmed by it all - and in the end probably not do much. So Dad, here is my challenge - one simple thing to share what you care about with your kids. Could be a yearly trip to the county fair, a bowling game, a weekend with some college friends and their children - - it does not matter. You don't have to film it or make a scrapbook about it, just do it. I am kind of hoping that in the end - someone else can write our last lecture - we just have to give them the material.

It is good to be a Dad . . . . . . and prayers/kudos for you and your family tonight Randy.

Last Lecture 2

2008-05-27T21:31:00.002-04:00

I was sitting with a group of men talking a week ago and someone said "Wouldn't it be cool if we wrote down our prayers so that our kids could read them sometime in the future?" It made me think of some letters my Grandfather wrote to my Grandmother during their time away as she went back to her hometown doctor (whom she trusted more than their local doctor) to give birth to my father. The letters just take me back to a time that I can only imagine because it is so much different than today - but it is inspiring to read his words. Inspiring because his feelings are real and they remind me so much of the love that I saw years later when Grandma needed lots of care - and there was Grandpa. And he still had plenty of love to shower on me too!

I am still thinking about the last lecture because we all have a chance to pour out our feelings over time - but part of me is kind of envious of Randy Pausch because of his focused eloquence and passion. He knows what he has to do and he is doing it. Can we do the same thing without knowing the end is near?

I think we can. My friend said it well when he talked about writing it down. I know someone else who writes a letter to her daughter at the end of every year to review the year - the ups, the downs, the memories. I think that is cool.

But I want to do more. I started a habit several years ago where I record 'emotional' moments with my children by writing them a letter about the event. What happened, how I felt, and what I want them to remember from it (why it was special to me). My only rule is that I cannot share any feeling on paper that I do not express to them face to face. Someday I look forward to sharing the letters . . . but today I rejoice in sharing the feelings.

Viewing of the Last Lecture

2008-05-01T21:56:00.003-04:00

I just finished watching the youtube video called the last lecture. In it, a professor gives his last lecture - an honor usually reserved for retiring professors. Randy Pausch gets to do it because he is terminally ill with cancer and only has a few more months. Randy is funny, engaging, creative, friendly, outgoing - - and a father of three small children. I will not go into the content because it is best viewed live - and youtube makes that easy. The one thought that comes to mind is a good news/bad news idea.

The good news - for most of us fathers we do not have to face such an ending, leaving a wife and three small children behind.
The bad news - for most of us fathers, we do not have to face such an ending, leaving a wife and three small children behind.

I repeat myself because many of us might not be saying all the things we want to say and doing all the things we should be doing - and changing that is difficult. I will share one thing about the video - Randy was not angry but grateful for the chance to open up and share. Sometimes we all need a kick in the pants to openly share things with our children and get by the "I will get around to it later" statement.

Randy did well with his words, and he inspired me to share some of my own. It should not take some bad news to move our hearts a little and get our priorities straight. Watch the video and take a few moments to jot down some of your own thoughts - then SHARE THEM!! Have a good day.

How do kids without hope get hope?

2008-01-07T22:18:00.000-05:00

I had a surprise for church yesterday. A friend of ours worked for 2 years to get a childrens choir to come to their church to perform for their normal Sunday service. Half listening to my wife, I left for church thinking I was seeing a boys choir from Brooklyn sing a couple of hymns. The one benefit of not listening very well is that sometimes the surprise is really, really great.

What I received as a gift yesterday was 45 minutes with 12 orphans from Uganda who sang, danced, and witnessed to me about how excited they were about life. They were residents in a village called Watoto that was started by two missionaries to care for children who had lost BOTH parents to AIDS or war. Their faith and witness left my eyes moist and my spirit lifted for most of the day.

Here are some facts they shared that made me stop -
In 2003 and estimated 12.3% of all children in sub-Saharan Africa were orphans.
In 2006, 2.9 million people died from AIDS. 2.1 million were in sub-Saharan Africa.
. . . . . . you probably don't need anymore, I didn't.

So what does this say to me. Well, one of the chapters in my book is "What Is Your ROCK". New Dads need to figure this out - and old Dads need to keep figuring this out. What I do know is that these 8 - 12 year old kids knew it - Jesus. Over and over again they talked of hope when many of us in the US look at them and wonder how they could have hope after all they have been through. It was cool - they were inspirational. If you ever get a chance to see the Watoto kids do it - they will change you.

Why isn't anyone else as excited as me?

2007-11-17T10:41:00.000-05:00

This week I had the pleasure of getting to see the first ultrasound picture of a new baby boy. Dad handed me the picture(one of the 3D kind - really cool!) and I looked at it and with genuine excitement and said "This is so cool - I can see his nose right there!" as I pointed to it. Dad looked over my shoulder and said "Uh, Scott, that is the placenta." He then turned the picture 90 degrees and there was clearly a face with a nose and two eyes. His hand was also cradled under his head. It was really cute. He was excited - and having been through it a few times myself I knew that he needed to see excitement from me, and to me new life is wonderful, so that was easy. He even forgave me for mistaking the placenta for his soon to be handsome, smart, you can be anything you want to - son. New life is cool.

As we talked he also shared with me how he can remember a time when others were having children before he was married, and although he was kind during the conversations, it used to drive him crazy to have to listen to dads gush about fuzzy pictures of future children, home videos, etc. . . . Now, when the shoe is on the other foot, he loves the excitement and wants others to share it with. Don't we all want that? Have you ever had to fake excitement for the sake of a friend who is a new dad?

Well, here are some thoughts. I do like the pictures, but I really like to focus on the excitement coming off dad. For me, that is contagious. So next time you are in that situation - here are some questions that will get him excited. Ask him:
How did you feel when you first saw the image?
What was going through your mind?
So do you feel like a dad yet?

Simple questions / simple answers / and in the end it will probably make that moment a bit more memorable for him and for you. Remember, the definition for Moment includes 'significance'. Significance comes from making dad think, make him talk, and letting him know you care - and there is no need to close this scene with a hug - just high five and go shoot some baskets. :)

Stress

2007-10-29T22:33:00.000-04:00

In my book So You're Gonna Be A DAD-Now What? I urge fathers to know their breaking point. Early on I learned mine when I started singing the Shut-Up song. So you think I would have this whole stress thing under control - after all I wrote about it.

Well I have something to admit - I am human. This past weekend I found myself having problems balancing work, family, this book, and several other big things and I thought I was doing okay. The realization that I was not on top of things occurred when I was leaving a voice message for a guy named Rudy to cut down some trees and I forgot our home phone number. This was not a new number - it was the same one we have had for 12 years! As my wife heard me admit my issue and then silently stand there for 3 seconds, she finally came to my aide with the number and I sheepishly finished the message and hung up. So, am I a stress expert?

Well, I quickly realized I needed to make some changes because I was not handling things well. I picked up the one stress management book that I own and spent 45 minutes scanning the pages and reminding myself of all the things that I should already know. Healthy food, exercise, and get more sleep - - yes, I know - - DUH! I am not sure if you need any encouragement right now - but here are my tips.

#1 - Keep a stress management book around. Preferably short (<150pp)>Stress Reduction for Busy People by Dawn Groves. She covers the basics and does it in 119pp.

#2 - Talk to someone about your stress. Spouse, friend at home, friend at work - let someone close to you know how you are feeling. A 5 min conversation with my wife in the kitchen turned my day around!

#3 - Locate the cause and fix it! Some solutions are easy (stop volunteering, get a planner) while others are very difficult (job change, end an addiction) - but we have to deal with it. Stress shortens life and ruins relationships.

So Are you stressed about something?
How effectively are you dealing with it? Is it impacting other parts of your life?
Do you have three people in your life that you can vent to?

Tired Dad?

2007-10-13T18:06:00.000-04:00

Three big events this week - I met two tired dads and on the way to work one day I saw a rainbow. So how are these all tied together? Well, looking into the eyes of a tired father and hearing their voice makes me remember how I used to crawl around someday wondering when it would all end - when the earache would clear, the teeth would come in, or they would just not be hungry for 6 hours at a time. I remember weeks disappearing and the norm becoming that feeling of being tired and just busy.

So how does the rainbow fit in? It struck me when I saw it that the rainbow appeared on the west side of the highway I was on that the only way it could be created was to have sunshine along with the rain. After making that statement I kind of feel like someone who probably lost at the game show Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader? But the reality is, how often are we really thankful for the rain that had to come to create the rainbow?

Having kids is great - and the reality is that we have to endure tough times as part of the package. Even though my children are beyond diapers, I still have tough days. It brings to mind some people who always bring sunshine into my days when I am having a personally rainy day/week. One person I can think of at work always greets me with a smile and that generally reminds me that it is not all that bad. A good question for you - Who brings sunshine into your day when you are tired and gloomy? If you do not have an answer to this one - find one! And look for the rainbow . . . .

So You're Gonna Be A DAD-Now What?

2007-10-08T22:03:00.000-04:00

When the title of my book was finalized, the focus was to alert Dad that this was his book - and it was especially focused on the new father. I think that has worked, because no one who has seen it has asked me "So Scott, who is your new book for?" I am waiting for that question - and I promise to be nice, with maybe a tiny bit of sarcasm in my answer.

A couple of days ago I was looking at the title and I was drawn to the question "Now What?" It made me think of the first moment when the reality of fatherhood hit me and I realized what was happening. So the question is What were you doing when the reality of being a dad hit you? I asked that question of a friend of mine who was expecting his third child and his answer was "About 4 weeks before the due date when I was assembling the crib. Having been down the road before, that was the moment when it became real to me that we were having a baby."

For me, the vivid memory I have was the birth of our son. Prior to that moment we had received gifts, I been called Dad many times, taken a birthing class, toured the hospital, and all the other things that new parents do - but it was not real for me until that moment. It was funny because as soon as our son was born I can remember standing by him and kind of ignoring everything else that was going on around me - including my wife for a few moments. It was really cool - and for the very first time very real. . .

So the reality of parenting hits us all at a different moment - but it eventually hits us all. If you are a new dad, this is a great question to ask a few experienced fathers around you to see what they say. It is actually fun for me to think back to what I do remember - because, as with many memories, certain things just stick.

First Reactions to "I am going to be a Dad"

2007-09-26T22:08:00.000-04:00

I wrote a book called So You're Gonna Be A DAD-Now What?, and I experienced a strange phenomenon. When I told people I wrote a book, there were lots of positive comments, but there was also a handful of people who said a small positive comment, and then proceeded to tell me a story of a friend who wrote a book and they felt obligated to buy one. Oh, and they still had a bunch in their basement because no one wanted to buy any. Those were uplifting conversations. :)

So did you have any first reactions to your announcement of fatherhood that were less than uplifting? Any "Are you sure this is a good idea?" or "Say good-bye to sleep." or maybe your really blunt friend made some comment about "Enjoy the sex while it lasts." If you have a chance to stage the moment when you tell friends - try and gather all your sarcastic friends in the corner, give them a few drinks, and then tell them the good news with your wife out of earshot and soak up the comments. You could be offended, but I think it is actually more entertaining to hear the shots than the "Congrats - I am so excited for you." I don't know about you, but when a male friend says that, even though it is nice, it is almost comical.

The reality, people don't always think and mostly mean well. When I think back on my book comments they were not said with malice, and frankly when someone comes out of left field with a comment like I presented - we sometimes let things out of our mouth that, in hindsight, might not be all that nice. But we are people - so Dad, go fishing for some zingers and see what you can come up with.

Note to the new father - how is the support system?

2007-09-24T12:32:00.000-04:00

What do you remember about that moment when you first learned you were going to be a father?

Somebody asked me that question a couple of months ago and it really made me stop and think - and I could not remember. I remember the birth of our first child, I remember to first time I tried to correctly secure the carseat with the seatbelt (it took 10 minutes and 5-10 words that cannot be repeated), but I did not remember the moment when the news was delivered for any of our four children. Should I feel bad about that?

Becoming a father is an adventure, and like many other adventures the more time that passes from the event the less we remember the details. Which is probably good, because hopefully the things that stick in our minds are the good things - while the unpleasant things seem to go away.

As I wrote my first book, So You Are Gonna Be A DAD-Now What?, I realized that as fathers, it is probably not that important to remember everything - but it is important that we take advantage of the moments that are given to us as fathers. And taking advantage of those moments means having the energy to deal with the surprises, which ultimately means being prepared for some surprises, but it also means having some people around us that will provide a little bit of sympathy and support when we need it - and we all NEEDED/WILL NEED it.

So to the new father - here are a few critical questions to ask yourself:
1. Who, beside your spouse/mother of your child to you turn to for empathy and support?
2. Of the names in #1, remove those that have not been new fathers for >20 years.
3. Do you have at least two names on the list? If not, you need to get to work.

Having people who have been through it and survived it is critical - because when you are really tired and trying to hold it together, the person who remembers that will be most likely the person who will know how to help even though you will not ask. Starting friendships gets harder as you get older - but the great thing about new children is that they provide an instant 'we have something in common' item that is important to start the conversation. So when you meet these guys be ready with a couple of key questions like:

What is the biggest surprise you have had while taking care of your son/daughter?
What is the least amount of sleep you have had in any one 24 hour period? (as men we like to suffer together!)
How often do you get a chance to take a break from parenting and do something else? What do you do?

You are going to forget some of the details of becoming/being a father, just make sure you have some people around you to help keep your energy/focus up. The moments will go by quickly . . . Good luck Dad!