Hey Dads - lets get ahead of the game

Has anyone been paying attention to the economy? That is kind of a stupid question because it seems that we are all spending lots of time think about retirement funds, mortgages, food, our jobs, bills, etc, etc. I have to admit that I have been extremely preoccupied with what is happening, why it is happening, what is being done to fix it, and how we will weather the storm. I was at a party last week talking to a friend and I asked him the question "What do you think about what is happening in the economy". His answer surprised me . . "I have made an effort not to read about it and not to worry about it, so I don't have much to say." It made me think - maybe I am thinking too much about the wrong things.

Shortly after this conversation I was reading an article in USA Today that stated 10% of dads of 9 month olds had symptoms of clinical depression - which compares to a 5% measure for men the same age. The article goes on to connect the impact of a fathers depression on the development of his children. It got me thinking, with all of the new financial stress on new fathers, it is safe to say that likely that number has probably gone up. So, do we wait around for the next study to confirm what we already know?

Let's not wait. First of all, if you are a new father please realize that it is a tough time to be a father and if the stress is hitting you do something about it. For most of us, connecting with our spouse, friends, and whatever else we can do to put our worries in perspective is key. If you are in a position where your support network is not there look for some help through your health care plan, your church, your community organizations - just don't wait for the next study to confirm what we already know. A stressed out father has a negative impact on their children.

If you are a friend of a father, do some simple things to reach out to them. If you are uncertain how to start the conversation I wrote my book to be a bridge for you. on my website (www.momentsforfathers.com) I have included a copy of my entire book under the Excerpt menu item. Download the .pdf file and email to your friend or just print it out somewhere.

Studies are thought provoking, but why wait for the next one to confirm what we already know. Hey Dads - we will get through this - but we have to do it together.

Parenting and sports

Soccer season ended today with our team party. Once you have parented for a while I you have to try coaching a sport. As I watched the 9 five year olds run around our yard it made me smile - because they basically smile all the time. Win or lose, it really never mattered, they just played. But I don't want to totally misrepresent the experience, there were some tough points.

I remember the first practice when it was like a well oiled machine. I talked, they jumped, parents helped - it was amazing. I thought - wow, after four kids I am REALLY good! Then came practice three - and just about everything that went right went wrong. They cried, they did not listen, they were openly defiante to my authority. It was as if a union steward had organized them on the playground with the explicit orders to stick it to the man so that he did not think he had the upper hand. At some point during my debrief at home my wife looked me in the eye and said, "Remember Scott, they are only five."

The one thing that bothers me about sports in general today is that kids don't seem to play them for fun - and parents spend more time telling them what to do rather than just cheering them on. I learned a long time ago to focus my instruction in practice and to do my best not to overwhelm them with dialogue during the game. After all, they are "only five". So when you are at the game just sit back and listen every now and then - and my guess is that you will hear a few things that make you think twice about what kind of encouragement you offer.

Let me finish by saying that I have my moments too. As the kids get older it is easier to slip into a little old school coaching - barking and riding them more than normal. But make sure you let them know you love em along the way - then they will still follow you.

How many ways are there to be a great parent

I had some time in church today to walk around and I happened upon a display with lots of great information about parenting. You know the displays - trifolds containing information about like "10 Ways to be a Great Parent" or "Stress and Parenting" or "Ten Tips on How to Talk to Your Child". I was in one of those moods to think and learn, so I grabbed several of the trifolds and walked over to a table to go through them. So here I am, an author of a book on parenting, reading through these list going "Yep, that is a good one" . . . "Boy, I needed that advice at 9am this morning" . . . "How could I forget that one". There were even a couple of times that I looked at an item and realized I had said the exact same thing in my book.

Two things hit me from those moments of reading. The first being that I need as much advice as the next dad. I think about being a dad often, but it is one of those things that gets more challenging, not less. Surprised? Well, don't be. Weekly for sure, but probably daily, I realize that maybe I could have handled some situation better.

The second realization - I could read these lists every day and probably end up doing nothing differently. For me, they help expose my flaws or ignorance, but they don't stick to my bones. What I need to do - - is to bring them to my next lunch with a friend and ask him to spend 10 minutes talking about them to see what thoughts we have - and then ask ourselves the question "So what I am going to do different tomorrow?" And then check in on each other to make sure we are working at it. Kind of simple - but my conviction that we need friends more than lists is pretty strong. Now if we can have a friend and a list - - then things can really start moving. :)

One thing to leave you with - in the next week ask a few people you work with "What is the best piece of advice they ever received about parenting, and what made it so great?" I will take a good conversation over a good list any day.

Family Vacation

Much has been written about the 'Family Vacation'. Early on in my life I can remember seeing National Lampoons movie, Vacation, starring Chevy Chase. I laughed at the many crazy things they did, mostly as an observer of how crazy these parents acted during their drama filled trip. Then the got to Wally World - and everything turned out okay.

Last weekend I found myself at my own 'Wally World', except in my home state it is called Michigan's Adventure. It is a combination waterpark/amusement park so their is something for everyone. One of the things that struck me early in the day was the fact that I was relaxed and having fun. Surprised? Well, let me share some of the details - the temp was 90+, the waterpark was so crowded the wave pools were like bumper cars with people as the cars, there was no real place to sit down, and the lines in the waterpark were 15 - 25 minutes long in most cases. There was very little shade and one wave pool actually closed for cleaning in the middle of the day. Not sure why - but I had the Caddy Shack Baby Ruth scene in my head and it made it hard to go back in. I was hot and thirsty for most of the day. So does that sound fun too you?

But it was fun. And it was fun mainly because I watched my kids having fun and realized that if I could look at the day through their eyes - it would be a good day. Now I am not saying that I have always been this wise. Although I have always seen the value of the family vacation as a father - when the kids were younger it would often take me 2-3 days to get into the rhthym of the vacation and actually enjoy it. It was always stressful to see sleeping/eating schedules disrupted, be away from the baby safe house, and not have the refuges to escape the commotion.

We are our own worst enemies on these vacations. I learned long ago to value the relationships/memories that are created by these jaunts - and then the pain that often accompanies the process becomes a lot smaller. Seeing the excitement of grandparents holding their grandchildren, watching cousins become friends, watching aunts/uncles become familiar, and seeing children experience wonder are things that are all there - we just need to look for them a little more.

My advice - watch the movie with your life to give you something to laugh at while you live your own movie - but when your eyes are not seeing the value try looking through the eyes of someone else.

The little things - splitting wood?

Yesterday at work someone shared this story with me . . . .

Last weekend was an annual event at her house. She cooked as eight fathers and eight sons converged on her house to saw logs and split wood. For a whole day, they processed the large logs that have been stacking up over the last year as her husband scavanged from neighbors and friends. She fed them multiple times as the men and high school age urban dwellers experienced for a day a chore that their great grandparents probably had as children. The irony of the whole thing - - she shared with me that they really don't need the wood. The end up giving most of their share away.

So, you are probably wondering "Why do it?"

Well, it seems her husband travels a lot, and at some point he carved out this day to sweat along side his son, teach him a little bit about hard work, and make a few friends/memories along the way. He is creating his own 'Moment' as a father with his son. It turns out this year the son asked his mother "Why are we cutting this wood? We don't even need it." Her only comment to me was "He doesn't get it. But someday he will."

Another data point for me that it is all about the little things we do, and the traditions we create. I just got back from a weekly basketball night that a friend and I created to help the kids learn about how to have a pickup basketball game. Our goal was to get them to a point where they don't need us - they just call each other and go play. Well, that has not quite happened - we still have to drive it a little bit. And we end up running a few games because there are not enough kids. Do I need to run? Probably not. My body does not enjoy it as much as my spirit does - but it is great to just laugh and play . . . which as adults we sometimes forget to do that.

Remember Dad, it is just about the simple things. And we all can do simple.

What us Dads Could Learn from Randy Pausch

On July 25th Randy Pausch - the man who lit up Youtube with his Last Lecture presentation - died. I did not hear about it until I opened my email on Monday and read a note from a friend.

If you have not watched the Last Lecture Dad - you should. It is 1 hr plus - and although that seems like a long time to sit in a room and listen/watch a video, you will be moved. I guess my only question for you after it will be "Moved to do what?"

Here is my take - as I think about getting the news that he received I cannot even fathom what he was feeling. I am certain there are people out there who can identify with what he felt - but not me, and I am guessing not most of you. But his video brought me back to the simple things I can do every day / week / year, to pass on the things I value to my children. If my 'Last Lecture' works out - in 20 or 30 years my kids and my wife will be around me and the things I have poured into them one drop at a time - will shine through in who they are and the relationship that we have. Sound simple? Maybe not - - but it is not that hard.

Here is an example of one of those 'thingss' I have found myself doing every year with my daughters for the last 5 years. A couple of friends of mine started a Daddy/Daughter camping trip 8 or so years ago. Simple concept - Dads take daughters camping for a Friday and Saturday night - the meals are simple, the accomodations rustic(tents), and the activities are whatever the outdoors provides us. I was invited and at the time I brought my 6 and 3 year old and we want camping and canoeing - and what started as a simple trip has become an event that they talk about for 12 months out of the year. Don't get me wrong - the format has not changed at all, and this year it was more rustic than ever. We camped in the woods, one mile from a road, on a world class trout stream, and a port o potty that some kind gentleman dropped off for a payment of $70. We ate meat and chips, did not bath, and did not have electrical anything.

I owe a lot to the two guys that started this event. Through it my daughters have begun to share my love for fishing, learned the art of kayaking, breathed the kind of air that reminds us why we don't vacation in cities, and hopefully felt my love for them because I would not miss this for anything. Small price - - big reward.

It is always sad to see a father leave a family behind. And although some might be transformed by Randy's story, which is great! Many will probably feel like me and just be kind of overwhelmed by it all - and in the end probably not do much. So Dad, here is my challenge - one simple thing to share what you care about with your kids. Could be a yearly trip to the county fair, a bowling game, a weekend with some college friends and their children - - it does not matter. You don't have to film it or make a scrapbook about it, just do it. I am kind of hoping that in the end - someone else can write our last lecture - we just have to give them the material.

It is good to be a Dad . . . . . . and prayers/kudos for you and your family tonight Randy.

Last Lecture 2

I was sitting with a group of men talking a week ago and someone said "Wouldn't it be cool if we wrote down our prayers so that our kids could read them sometime in the future?" It made me think of some letters my Grandfather wrote to my Grandmother during their time away as she went back to her hometown doctor (whom she trusted more than their local doctor) to give birth to my father. The letters just take me back to a time that I can only imagine because it is so much different than today - but it is inspiring to read his words. Inspiring because his feelings are real and they remind me so much of the love that I saw years later when Grandma needed lots of care - and there was Grandpa. And he still had plenty of love to shower on me too!

I am still thinking about the last lecture because we all have a chance to pour out our feelings over time - but part of me is kind of envious of Randy Pausch because of his focused eloquence and passion. He knows what he has to do and he is doing it. Can we do the same thing without knowing the end is near?

I think we can. My friend said it well when he talked about writing it down. I know someone else who writes a letter to her daughter at the end of every year to review the year - the ups, the downs, the memories. I think that is cool.

But I want to do more. I started a habit several years ago where I record 'emotional' moments with my children by writing them a letter about the event. What happened, how I felt, and what I want them to remember from it (why it was special to me). My only rule is that I cannot share any feeling on paper that I do not express to them face to face. Someday I look forward to sharing the letters . . . but today I rejoice in sharing the feelings.

Viewing of the Last Lecture

I just finished watching the youtube video called the last lecture. In it, a professor gives his last lecture - an honor usually reserved for retiring professors. Randy Pausch gets to do it because he is terminally ill with cancer and only has a few more months. Randy is funny, engaging, creative, friendly, outgoing - - and a father of three small children. I will not go into the content because it is best viewed live - and youtube makes that easy. The one thought that comes to mind is a good news/bad news idea.

The good news - for most of us fathers we do not have to face such an ending, leaving a wife and three small children behind.
The bad news - for most of us fathers, we do not have to face such an ending, leaving a wife and three small children behind.

I repeat myself because many of us might not be saying all the things we want to say and doing all the things we should be doing - and changing that is difficult. I will share one thing about the video - Randy was not angry but grateful for the chance to open up and share. Sometimes we all need a kick in the pants to openly share things with our children and get by the "I will get around to it later" statement.

Randy did well with his words, and he inspired me to share some of my own. It should not take some bad news to move our hearts a little and get our priorities straight. Watch the video and take a few moments to jot down some of your own thoughts - then SHARE THEM!! Have a good day.

How do kids without hope get hope?

I had a surprise for church yesterday. A friend of ours worked for 2 years to get a childrens choir to come to their church to perform for their normal Sunday service. Half listening to my wife, I left for church thinking I was seeing a boys choir from Brooklyn sing a couple of hymns. The one benefit of not listening very well is that sometimes the surprise is really, really great.

What I received as a gift yesterday was 45 minutes with 12 orphans from Uganda who sang, danced, and witnessed to me about how excited they were about life. They were residents in a village called Watoto that was started by two missionaries to care for children who had lost BOTH parents to AIDS or war. Their faith and witness left my eyes moist and my spirit lifted for most of the day.

Here are some facts they shared that made me stop -
In 2003 and estimated 12.3% of all children in sub-Saharan Africa were orphans.
In 2006, 2.9 million people died from AIDS. 2.1 million were in sub-Saharan Africa.
. . . . . . you probably don't need anymore, I didn't.

So what does this say to me. Well, one of the chapters in my book is "What Is Your ROCK". New Dads need to figure this out - and old Dads need to keep figuring this out. What I do know is that these 8 - 12 year old kids knew it - Jesus. Over and over again they talked of hope when many of us in the US look at them and wonder how they could have hope after all they have been through. It was cool - they were inspirational. If you ever get a chance to see the Watoto kids do it - they will change you.