Note to the new father - how is the support system?

What do you remember about that moment when you first learned you were going to be a father?

Somebody asked me that question a couple of months ago and it really made me stop and think - and I could not remember. I remember the birth of our first child, I remember to first time I tried to correctly secure the carseat with the seatbelt (it took 10 minutes and 5-10 words that cannot be repeated), but I did not remember the moment when the news was delivered for any of our four children. Should I feel bad about that?

Becoming a father is an adventure, and like many other adventures the more time that passes from the event the less we remember the details. Which is probably good, because hopefully the things that stick in our minds are the good things - while the unpleasant things seem to go away.

As I wrote my first book, So You Are Gonna Be A DAD-Now What?, I realized that as fathers, it is probably not that important to remember everything - but it is important that we take advantage of the moments that are given to us as fathers. And taking advantage of those moments means having the energy to deal with the surprises, which ultimately means being prepared for some surprises, but it also means having some people around us that will provide a little bit of sympathy and support when we need it - and we all NEEDED/WILL NEED it.

So to the new father - here are a few critical questions to ask yourself:
1. Who, beside your spouse/mother of your child to you turn to for empathy and support?
2. Of the names in #1, remove those that have not been new fathers for >20 years.
3. Do you have at least two names on the list? If not, you need to get to work.

Having people who have been through it and survived it is critical - because when you are really tired and trying to hold it together, the person who remembers that will be most likely the person who will know how to help even though you will not ask. Starting friendships gets harder as you get older - but the great thing about new children is that they provide an instant 'we have something in common' item that is important to start the conversation. So when you meet these guys be ready with a couple of key questions like:

• What is the biggest surprise you have had while taking care of your son/daughter?
• What is the least amount of sleep you have had in any one 24 hour period? (as men we like to suffer together!)
• How often do you get a chance to take a break from parenting and do something else? What do you do?

You are going to forget some of the details of becoming/being a father, just make sure you have some people around you to help keep your energy/focus up. The moments will go by quickly . . . Good luck Dad!