This week I had the pleasure of getting to see the first ultrasound picture of a new baby boy. Dad handed me the picture(one of the 3D kind - really cool!) and I looked at it and with genuine excitement and said "This is so cool - I can see his nose right there!" as I pointed to it. Dad looked over my shoulder and said "Uh, Scott, that is the placenta." He then turned the picture 90 degrees and there was clearly a face with a nose and two eyes. His hand was also cradled under his head. It was really cute. He was excited - and having been through it a few times myself I knew that he needed to see excitement from me, and to me new life is wonderful, so that was easy. He even forgave me for mistaking the placenta for his soon to be handsome, smart, you can be anything you want to - son. New life is cool.
As we talked he also shared with me how he can remember a time when others were having children before he was married, and although he was kind during the conversations, it used to drive him crazy to have to listen to dads gush about fuzzy pictures of future children, home videos, etc. . . . Now, when the shoe is on the other foot, he loves the excitement and wants others to share it with. Don't we all want that? Have you ever had to fake excitement for the sake of a friend who is a new dad?
Well, here are some thoughts. I do like the pictures, but I really like to focus on the excitement coming off dad. For me, that is contagious. So next time you are in that situation - here are some questions that will get him excited. Ask him:
How did you feel when you first saw the image?
What was going through your mind?
So do you feel like a dad yet?
Simple questions / simple answers / and in the end it will probably make that moment a bit more memorable for him and for you. Remember, the definition for Moment includes 'significance'. Significance comes from making dad think, make him talk, and letting him know you care - and there is no need to close this scene with a hug - just high five and go shoot some baskets. :)
Saturday, November 17, 2007
Monday, October 29, 2007
Stress
In my book So You're Gonna Be A DAD-Now What? I urge fathers to know their breaking point. Early on I learned mine when I started singing the Shut-Up song. So you think I would have this whole stress thing under control - after all I wrote about it.
Well I have something to admit - I am human. This past weekend I found myself having problems balancing work, family, this book, and several other big things and I thought I was doing okay. The realization that I was not on top of things occurred when I was leaving a voice message for a guy named Rudy to cut down some trees and I forgot our home phone number. This was not a new number - it was the same one we have had for 12 years! As my wife heard me admit my issue and then silently stand there for 3 seconds, she finally came to my aide with the number and I sheepishly finished the message and hung up. So, am I a stress expert?
Well, I quickly realized I needed to make some changes because I was not handling things well. I picked up the one stress management book that I own and spent 45 minutes scanning the pages and reminding myself of all the things that I should already know. Healthy food, exercise, and get more sleep - - yes, I know - - DUH! I am not sure if you need any encouragement right now - but here are my tips.
#1 - Keep a stress management book around. Preferably short (<150pp)>Stress Reduction for Busy People by Dawn Groves. She covers the basics and does it in 119pp.
#2 - Talk to someone about your stress. Spouse, friend at home, friend at work - let someone close to you know how you are feeling. A 5 min conversation with my wife in the kitchen turned my day around!
#3 - Locate the cause and fix it! Some solutions are easy (stop volunteering, get a planner) while others are very difficult (job change, end an addiction) - but we have to deal with it. Stress shortens life and ruins relationships.
So Are you stressed about something?
How effectively are you dealing with it? Is it impacting other parts of your life?
Do you have three people in your life that you can vent to?
Well I have something to admit - I am human. This past weekend I found myself having problems balancing work, family, this book, and several other big things and I thought I was doing okay. The realization that I was not on top of things occurred when I was leaving a voice message for a guy named Rudy to cut down some trees and I forgot our home phone number. This was not a new number - it was the same one we have had for 12 years! As my wife heard me admit my issue and then silently stand there for 3 seconds, she finally came to my aide with the number and I sheepishly finished the message and hung up. So, am I a stress expert?
Well, I quickly realized I needed to make some changes because I was not handling things well. I picked up the one stress management book that I own and spent 45 minutes scanning the pages and reminding myself of all the things that I should already know. Healthy food, exercise, and get more sleep - - yes, I know - - DUH! I am not sure if you need any encouragement right now - but here are my tips.
#1 - Keep a stress management book around. Preferably short (<150pp)>Stress Reduction for Busy People by Dawn Groves. She covers the basics and does it in 119pp.
#2 - Talk to someone about your stress. Spouse, friend at home, friend at work - let someone close to you know how you are feeling. A 5 min conversation with my wife in the kitchen turned my day around!
#3 - Locate the cause and fix it! Some solutions are easy (stop volunteering, get a planner) while others are very difficult (job change, end an addiction) - but we have to deal with it. Stress shortens life and ruins relationships.
So Are you stressed about something?
How effectively are you dealing with it? Is it impacting other parts of your life?
Do you have three people in your life that you can vent to?
Saturday, October 13, 2007
Tired Dad?
Three big events this week - I met two tired dads and on the way to work one day I saw a rainbow. So how are these all tied together? Well, looking into the eyes of a tired father and hearing their voice makes me remember how I used to crawl around someday wondering when it would all end - when the earache would clear, the teeth would come in, or they would just not be hungry for 6 hours at a time. I remember weeks disappearing and the norm becoming that feeling of being tired and just busy.
So how does the rainbow fit in? It struck me when I saw it that the rainbow appeared on the west side of the highway I was on that the only way it could be created was to have sunshine along with the rain. After making that statement I kind of feel like someone who probably lost at the game show Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader? But the reality is, how often are we really thankful for the rain that had to come to create the rainbow?
Having kids is great - and the reality is that we have to endure tough times as part of the package. Even though my children are beyond diapers, I still have tough days. It brings to mind some people who always bring sunshine into my days when I am having a personally rainy day/week. One person I can think of at work always greets me with a smile and that generally reminds me that it is not all that bad. A good question for you - Who brings sunshine into your day when you are tired and gloomy? If you do not have an answer to this one - find one! And look for the rainbow . . . .
So how does the rainbow fit in? It struck me when I saw it that the rainbow appeared on the west side of the highway I was on that the only way it could be created was to have sunshine along with the rain. After making that statement I kind of feel like someone who probably lost at the game show Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader? But the reality is, how often are we really thankful for the rain that had to come to create the rainbow?
Having kids is great - and the reality is that we have to endure tough times as part of the package. Even though my children are beyond diapers, I still have tough days. It brings to mind some people who always bring sunshine into my days when I am having a personally rainy day/week. One person I can think of at work always greets me with a smile and that generally reminds me that it is not all that bad. A good question for you - Who brings sunshine into your day when you are tired and gloomy? If you do not have an answer to this one - find one! And look for the rainbow . . . .
Monday, October 8, 2007
So You're Gonna Be A DAD-Now What?
When the title of my book was finalized, the focus was to alert Dad that this was his book - and it was especially focused on the new father. I think that has worked, because no one who has seen it has asked me "So Scott, who is your new book for?" I am waiting for that question - and I promise to be nice, with maybe a tiny bit of sarcasm in my answer.
A couple of days ago I was looking at the title and I was drawn to the question "Now What?" It made me think of the first moment when the reality of fatherhood hit me and I realized what was happening. So the question is What were you doing when the reality of being a dad hit you? I asked that question of a friend of mine who was expecting his third child and his answer was "About 4 weeks before the due date when I was assembling the crib. Having been down the road before, that was the moment when it became real to me that we were having a baby."
For me, the vivid memory I have was the birth of our son. Prior to that moment we had received gifts, I been called Dad many times, taken a birthing class, toured the hospital, and all the other things that new parents do - but it was not real for me until that moment. It was funny because as soon as our son was born I can remember standing by him and kind of ignoring everything else that was going on around me - including my wife for a few moments. It was really cool - and for the very first time very real. . .
So the reality of parenting hits us all at a different moment - but it eventually hits us all. If you are a new dad, this is a great question to ask a few experienced fathers around you to see what they say. It is actually fun for me to think back to what I do remember - because, as with many memories, certain things just stick.
A couple of days ago I was looking at the title and I was drawn to the question "Now What?" It made me think of the first moment when the reality of fatherhood hit me and I realized what was happening. So the question is What were you doing when the reality of being a dad hit you? I asked that question of a friend of mine who was expecting his third child and his answer was "About 4 weeks before the due date when I was assembling the crib. Having been down the road before, that was the moment when it became real to me that we were having a baby."
For me, the vivid memory I have was the birth of our son. Prior to that moment we had received gifts, I been called Dad many times, taken a birthing class, toured the hospital, and all the other things that new parents do - but it was not real for me until that moment. It was funny because as soon as our son was born I can remember standing by him and kind of ignoring everything else that was going on around me - including my wife for a few moments. It was really cool - and for the very first time very real. . .
So the reality of parenting hits us all at a different moment - but it eventually hits us all. If you are a new dad, this is a great question to ask a few experienced fathers around you to see what they say. It is actually fun for me to think back to what I do remember - because, as with many memories, certain things just stick.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
First Reactions to "I am going to be a Dad"
I wrote a book called So You're Gonna Be A DAD-Now What?, and I experienced a strange phenomenon. When I told people I wrote a book, there were lots of positive comments, but there was also a handful of people who said a small positive comment, and then proceeded to tell me a story of a friend who wrote a book and they felt obligated to buy one. Oh, and they still had a bunch in their basement because no one wanted to buy any. Those were uplifting conversations. :)
So did you have any first reactions to your announcement of fatherhood that were less than uplifting? Any "Are you sure this is a good idea?" or "Say good-bye to sleep." or maybe your really blunt friend made some comment about "Enjoy the sex while it lasts." If you have a chance to stage the moment when you tell friends - try and gather all your sarcastic friends in the corner, give them a few drinks, and then tell them the good news with your wife out of earshot and soak up the comments. You could be offended, but I think it is actually more entertaining to hear the shots than the "Congrats - I am so excited for you." I don't know about you, but when a male friend says that, even though it is nice, it is almost comical.
The reality, people don't always think and mostly mean well. When I think back on my book comments they were not said with malice, and frankly when someone comes out of left field with a comment like I presented - we sometimes let things out of our mouth that, in hindsight, might not be all that nice. But we are people - so Dad, go fishing for some zingers and see what you can come up with.
So did you have any first reactions to your announcement of fatherhood that were less than uplifting? Any "Are you sure this is a good idea?" or "Say good-bye to sleep." or maybe your really blunt friend made some comment about "Enjoy the sex while it lasts." If you have a chance to stage the moment when you tell friends - try and gather all your sarcastic friends in the corner, give them a few drinks, and then tell them the good news with your wife out of earshot and soak up the comments. You could be offended, but I think it is actually more entertaining to hear the shots than the "Congrats - I am so excited for you." I don't know about you, but when a male friend says that, even though it is nice, it is almost comical.
The reality, people don't always think and mostly mean well. When I think back on my book comments they were not said with malice, and frankly when someone comes out of left field with a comment like I presented - we sometimes let things out of our mouth that, in hindsight, might not be all that nice. But we are people - so Dad, go fishing for some zingers and see what you can come up with.
Monday, September 24, 2007
Note to the new father - how is the support system?
What do you remember about that moment when you first learned you were going to be a father?
Somebody asked me that question a couple of months ago and it really made me stop and think - and I could not remember. I remember the birth of our first child, I remember to first time I tried to correctly secure the carseat with the seatbelt (it took 10 minutes and 5-10 words that cannot be repeated), but I did not remember the moment when the news was delivered for any of our four children. Should I feel bad about that?
Becoming a father is an adventure, and like many other adventures the more time that passes from the event the less we remember the details. Which is probably good, because hopefully the things that stick in our minds are the good things - while the unpleasant things seem to go away.
As I wrote my first book, So You Are Gonna Be A DAD-Now What?, I realized that as fathers, it is probably not that important to remember everything - but it is important that we take advantage of the moments that are given to us as fathers. And taking advantage of those moments means having the energy to deal with the surprises, which ultimately means being prepared for some surprises, but it also means having some people around us that will provide a little bit of sympathy and support when we need it - and we all NEEDED/WILL NEED it.
So to the new father - here are a few critical questions to ask yourself:
1. Who, beside your spouse/mother of your child to you turn to for empathy and support?
2. Of the names in #1, remove those that have not been new fathers for >20 years.
3. Do you have at least two names on the list? If not, you need to get to work.
Having people who have been through it and survived it is critical - because when you are really tired and trying to hold it together, the person who remembers that will be most likely the person who will know how to help even though you will not ask. Starting friendships gets harder as you get older - but the great thing about new children is that they provide an instant 'we have something in common' item that is important to start the conversation. So when you meet these guys be ready with a couple of key questions like:
Somebody asked me that question a couple of months ago and it really made me stop and think - and I could not remember. I remember the birth of our first child, I remember to first time I tried to correctly secure the carseat with the seatbelt (it took 10 minutes and 5-10 words that cannot be repeated), but I did not remember the moment when the news was delivered for any of our four children. Should I feel bad about that?
Becoming a father is an adventure, and like many other adventures the more time that passes from the event the less we remember the details. Which is probably good, because hopefully the things that stick in our minds are the good things - while the unpleasant things seem to go away.
As I wrote my first book, So You Are Gonna Be A DAD-Now What?, I realized that as fathers, it is probably not that important to remember everything - but it is important that we take advantage of the moments that are given to us as fathers. And taking advantage of those moments means having the energy to deal with the surprises, which ultimately means being prepared for some surprises, but it also means having some people around us that will provide a little bit of sympathy and support when we need it - and we all NEEDED/WILL NEED it.
So to the new father - here are a few critical questions to ask yourself:
1. Who, beside your spouse/mother of your child to you turn to for empathy and support?
2. Of the names in #1, remove those that have not been new fathers for >20 years.
3. Do you have at least two names on the list? If not, you need to get to work.
Having people who have been through it and survived it is critical - because when you are really tired and trying to hold it together, the person who remembers that will be most likely the person who will know how to help even though you will not ask. Starting friendships gets harder as you get older - but the great thing about new children is that they provide an instant 'we have something in common' item that is important to start the conversation. So when you meet these guys be ready with a couple of key questions like:
- What is the biggest surprise you have had while taking care of your son/daughter?
- What is the least amount of sleep you have had in any one 24 hour period? (as men we like to suffer together!)
- How often do you get a chance to take a break from parenting and do something else? What do you do?
You are going to forget some of the details of becoming/being a father, just make sure you have some people around you to help keep your energy/focus up. The moments will go by quickly . . . Good luck Dad!
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